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Robot (machine)
Are you sure you weren't accidentally looking for Robot Chicken? It's okay. It happens. Don't feel like a dumbass. Robots are evil, demonic pieces of scrap metal put together in order to form a working machine capable of doing very useful things that many Christians, can't, such as flipping; people off, going to Dragon Con, watching the new Star Trek movies, liking Lindsay Lohan, Taylor Swift, and Madonna all at the same time (very few robots are able to perform this task) and even worshipping the devil. The robot population is currently at 22 million as scientists have made 22 million robots and they are now considered a species living on Earth just like us human-people. But robots are racist. Some dumbasses that don't know what they're talking about like to associate robotics with toasters, but honestly, how the fuck could you get mixed up between a robot and a toaster? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK? Etymology The original name of robot was badass scrapmetal but when the robots were introduced to kids in the 1800s they had to change the name, especially because parents (ignorant, arrogant, American parents, of course) were threatening to sue, and the business couldn't handle that kinda pressure in court so they had to change the name. First it was dickhead machine but then they threatened to sue again and so they changed it yet again, to cockbot, then to botfucker, and then finally to robot. They copied the name from the band Flobots, of course, because that name was moderately cool back in the '70s and junk. History :Main article: History of robots The first robot, Patrick the Robot (1450-1492) Robots were invented by Leonardo da Vinci in 1492 (EVERYTHING happened in that year) when he was eating a donut, listening to his iPod, drinking beer in a bar, and he realized that he had absolutely NO life and that he would not be able to destroy the world like his mom and dad wanted him to, so he invented the first robot and named it Patrick (ever heard of Patrick the Robot? It was on Dora the Explorer and Elmo's World. Like seriously, even Sesame Street mentioned it a time or two. Really? Well what the fuck?). Patrick the Robot would star as the main character and/or theme of several movies, including The Terminator, I, Robot and even Iron Man (yes, Iron Man). These three movies are what gained him significance and what made Leonardo da Vinci famous so he went back to painting and then everyone hated him again. The thing is, though, Leonardo da Vinci is a very slow artist and so it took him forty-two years to build this robot and he worked day and night for all those years, too, and that's really saying something. He really is that slow. Just like Michelangelo. It took Michelangelo like fifty years to buiild the 16th Chapel. How the fuck? Leonardo's attempt at a second robot (1493-1499) Leonardo da Vinci, after building that one, thought he might be able to build a better one that was "more advanced" and "more sophisticated" (he was interviewed on TV for a special program, in 1492) in which he also stated: :"Yes, as I stated before, I would like for my robot to be more sophisticated and advanced. My father was a robot and I would like to build one in order to dominate and take over the world, and then destroy it. I am a good, shy, non-aggressive person who wants to bring peace to this world. However, I have no clue how I will be able to do this in six years. It fucking took me forty-two years just to build my other robot. No way could I do it that fucking fast. Nevermind, I give up." :—the interview that Leonardo da Vinci was engaged in, in 1492. So yes, he never ended up building another robot, and instead, he killed himself by jumping off a cliff one day when he was drunk and thought he was a robot and would not get hurt. But he died. Oh well. Sad. A growth in the robot population (1500-1751.3) After scientists made the second robot (Jenny the Sexy-ish-ish Robot) and it died from morbid obesity, they decided to invent two robots and create three genders for the robot "species": male, female, and shemale. A shemale could fuck anybody (i.e. another shemale, a male, a female, a lion, dolphin, tiger) while a male and a female could only fuck the opposite of one another. This chart shows the amount of robots there were at a given time. Yes. Study it. Analyze it. It will be on your History test tomorrow, so make sure you know what we're talking about here. So after the growth of robots came and there were like fifteen billion (that's 15 billion, by the way) robots developed via sexual intercourse, there was suddenly a large explosion that destroyed all of them except for two and that occurred in the year 1751.3. The Lost Robot Years (1751.4-1876.7732319) The Lost Years were ones in which robots didn't hardly exist and they were instead introduced to slavery (the wrong end of slavery throughout all these years and there were only like six left during this time and they were all on Futurama, but Bender wasn't one of them. The robots during this time were also a lot more underweight and malnurished; some because they looked in the mirror and were like "oh what the fuck I look like a fucking fatty" and others had anerexia. So yeah. Humans build an environment for the robots to stay in and stuff (1877-1879) Humans decided that robots were a threat to the world (and especially China) so they made an underground city for them to all live in that was fucking dug by the robots themselves earlier during slavery, and the humans were the ones who got credit for it "because it was a good idea". So the robots initially say that they will wipe out all of humanity and blow up America (and especially China) if the humans don't give them the technology they came up with so they made the F-U company create a whole bunch of stuff for the robots and they made them an underground world. The Robot-Revolutionary War (1880-1955) Development A war occured from robots protesting for civil rights and eventually the robots started fighting against each other and this quickly started enormously eliminating large amounts of robots from certain areas (they would drop R-Bombs (those are Robot bombs that would instantly kill a third of America and severely injure half of America). However, the very beginning of this war has been "calculated" to have started in about 1880 when this one robot accidentally blew up a police station and was sentenced to death but the executioners didn't know how to kill it (robots are covered in exteriors that are as strong and durable as diamonds are, just like Superman's cape) so they had to put him in prison, which he eventually escaped from in a Ferrari parked in the police chief's garage. This made robots start getting jealous of that guy and robot news reports say that this robot was the first robot who was able to escape its environment built by humans (it happened to be the Terminator) and he, after he got out of prison and stole the Ferrari, planned to take over the world and kill Sarah Conner before John Connor gets born (for some reason they send The Terminator right when she's pregnant with him and has little time to stop it INSTEAD of killing Sarah Conner as a baby; yeah, genius). Ending results So this made humans declare war on the robots. The humans lost but the robots promised they would stop killing the humans if they could have all the pizza they wanted so the humans said "alright" and so the robots got what they wanted. Japenese robots get cooler (1960-1999) The Japanese scientists, for many years, had been working very hard to make their robots beat all other robots out there so in 1960, because that's what geeks do (have robot wars). And it sorta happened and it sorta didn't because some Japanese robots weren't actually robots, they just said that they were, and saying that something's a robot doesn't actually make it a robot, despite popular belief. So the Japanese were just screwed right there and they had no idea what to do when a critic from America busted them so they turned to the Chinese and the Chinese were like "fuck you, you're on your own" so the Koreans helped them out and they were able to blame it on Canada and so now everybody hates Canada because they apparently make fake robots. The independence of all robots (2000-present) Thanks to a German scientist named Hirjassdlfj Fuckinaef, robots are now independent as an own nation underneath the Earth's surface and are said to be consistently intoxicated on weed. So yeah, now robots are independent. Hmm. That's gonna suck. Lifestyle .]] Robots have proven to live different lifestyles and actually have personalities, according to the 10,000 You Thought Were True and Actually Aren't And It's Things That Everyone Knows But You Don't Because You're A Dumbass 2009 edition....some may quesiton how they fit all those words onto the cover of the book.... Music Robots intend to copy humans as closely as possible so they created Electronica and dance music in order to recreate what The Beatles and The Rolling Stones thought they could do, so they invented the Robot dance move (it's not the same as the humans' though) and got Sirius Satellite stations to play their music in the "Robot Stations of the 2000s". Literature Boring crap no one wants to hear about. Art Robots enjoy painting, sculpting, drawing, writing, singing (in monotone), rapping (in monotone), dancing (in monotone), and so many other things that you thought they couldn't do. But no, robots are not very artistic and have the intelligence of an ant and that will never work. In the real world you gotta be smart like humans and if you're not then you end up like the dinosaurs. Danger The proven theory Robots actually pose quite a bit of danger, especially because the humanoid robots could be living among us right now and we would have no idea. Your wife could be a robot and you wouldn't know it. Spongebob could be a robot but the robots are so advanced that they are able to perfectly hide what they truly are. Ask your mom if she's a robot that killed your actual mom and that's actually nothing of what your mom looks like. She'll probably tell you "your'e a fucking dumbass for asking that" but don't believe her. There's actually a 45% chance that any given person you know could be a robot. And if you make that "person" mad, then they will take out a fucking rifle and blow your damn head off. But how did they get here if they're supposed to be only living underground? Well there are some aggressive robots that hate humans and want to be like them so much so they can eventually wipe out all of humanity. The other theory Also, another theory states that human-robots tend to only replace the human sometimes and the other half of the time the human is tied up in a closet begging to get out but, according to the robots themselves (when interviewed about this) they say it's never happened, except for the evidence that is against what they say. And that makes them: busted. Yeah, that's right. They can't hide it. Discrimination & racism Racism Since robots have been considered a species, many humans (and dogs alike) have been very racist towards robots and have started this method of "Robot Hunting" in which they kill robots by shooting them with bazookas. But no one knows how anyone could afford and/or find a bazooka that is for sale, because Walmart goes out of stock pretty fast. Civil rights Anyway, robots have also been stripped of civil rights and have no rights whatsoever, as they are said to "behave and worship their master, as that is their god and their only god" and so that's apparently their religion (Humanity is the name of it). Yeah, robots don't have any civil rights and they're accused of racism by racist people. In fact, robots are currently not allowed to attend school because "they are lower in status than humans are, as humans are more superior" (even though everyone hates school and robots are born with like a 500 IQ anyway). In popular culture Most of the time, robots scare the fuck outta people and inventors use it as a way to get money. Yeah, they enjoy holding up cardboard signs on the side of the road that says "Give me all your fucking money or I'll zap your fucking dumb ass with a laser-gun", or something "of that nature". But really, they've been used in "science-fiction" and have been characterized as looking either like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Will Smith and his buddies (especially in I, Robot), and Jackie Chan (yes, Jackie Chan is a robot), and they have been imagined as being unpredictable, all powerful, and could easily kill somebody, just like God. Also, it has become a trend to say that "robots are geeky" and then for that person's house to be burning down the next day when they get home from school and several robots standing in a line with machine guns ready to fucking kill that motherfucker who said robots were geeky. Types of robots There are several different types of robots that exist, the most common being the humanoid robots which are the most awesomest. But there are other types, too, including the Transformers, nanobots, and toy robots. Transformers Transformers are alien robots that invaded the Earth in 2007 when Transformers was released. These transformers are insanely big and currently live in the middle of the pacific ocean because they have a strip club there and that's where they prefer to hang out. Transformers are the most threatening but are really just big pussies when it comes to fighting because they're too big of wimps to do anything about being pushed around. There just a bunch of fucking pushovers. Humanoid robots These robots are the ones that try their fucking best to look exactly like us but yet they fail miserably. Maybe it's because they often forget to add the soul forget to add skin and it makes them look like they're a large collection of metal junkyard scraps taped together by a third grader who is trying to be smarter than fifth grader but honestly it's not really working out. Humanoid robots are not threatening because they're gay. Toy robots These are seen in the hands of little kids who don't know what the fuck they are but they know that it's really fun to play with them and buy them from Walmart or The Mall (preferably the Mall if you're going to be a loser and buy one of these things anyway). Nanobots These have been proven to be absolutely pointless. When the scientists make them and then they say "alright now go cure cancer", they're probably just going to be like "Fuck you. I'm gettin' outta here." And so they would just leave. Nanobots are the least trustworthy because they like stakeouts and are secret spies on a mission. Yeah. Ha, just kidding. No wait, maybe we're not. Yes, we are, lol, just kidding. Ha. Hmmm.... Notable robots *Will Smith *Adam Sandler *Jackie Chan *Will Ferrell *Dane Cook *Daughtry *Lady Gaga *Katy Perry *Miley Cyrus *The Disney channel *All your friends that are notable, if you have any notable friends *Bon Jovi *Michael Jackson *Bob Barker *Franco DePatchio *Sylvester Stallone *Arnold Schwarzenegger *Ben Stiller *Robert Downey, Jr. *Steve Carell *Lil Wayne *T.I. *All the Star Wars characters *George Bush *Madonna *The devil *Jack Black And many more.... See also *Will Smith *Leonardo da Vinci *World *Heartburn *Promise Category:Technology